No More Miss Nice Mommy (only for a few minutes)

I've had a good life. I've had a great relationship. I have the world's best son. I have no reason to complain about anything, so normally, I don't…

No matter what kind of day I have, I always try my best to put on a smile for the people around me.

I should be respected for it. I mean, seriously… you can't have anything but respect for a person like that. My sister is even better at it than me… smiling through pain. It becomes second nature to people like us. The reason is this:

We get more satisfaction seeing our loved ones smile than seeing them down. Our misery radiates and spreads until it fills the household and we just won't accept that.

I can see people smiling accordingly when I shoot smiles their way. I like that feeling. I figured people knew that I was trying. You have to try to be happy. You don't have to try at all to be disgustingly miserable.

Micah and I have been facing the only problem that the world smiles at… working too much. I'm thankful he has a job, Im thankful he's willing to work so hard for us… but I miss him. I MISS HIM. I see him daily, but only for about 2 hours that are consumed by a meal and a shower. Gabriel refuses to fall asleep most nights until he is home. He LOVES his Daddy. He misses his Daddy.

I can't complain to him… What the hell am I supposed to say? "Oh, hey uh, you're working too hard. I need you to stop making money to adapt to my clingy, dependable nature."

Nope, I have to suck it up and smile. He's working too hard to some home to a B****.

But, like I said, I expect to be respected for trying so hard. I realized last night that he doesn't even know how hard I have to try. How much I have to force those smiles so that he can have a happy home life. So that our son can grow into a happy man.

I called him a "grumpy butt" last night for brushing off a hug.

Then, he let this sentence slip out without even thinking…

"Sorry, I'm not naturally happy like you are."

The response I wanted to scream contained 6 cuss words and a "Psycho" quote. Seriously, bruh?

Naturally happy? I have up to 6 children here at all times of the day. That means everyone eats, but me. Everyone drinks, but me. I have nap time to myself and I can't nap. If I manage to sneak away to use the potty, it gets cut short because of loud crashes and screaming.

On top of that, I had to slap Gabriel's hand yesterday.  THE FIRST SLAP. My heart was hurting more than any amount of pain he will feel in his entire lifetime. It was a dreadful day.

Do you honestly think I'm smiling because I'm SUPER HAPPY after a day like that?

HELL NO. I'm smiling because I'm making myself smile, idiot. Because I want to make you happy, idiot… idiot. IDIOT.

He caught himself and apologized. He said he meant he can't shake off the misery the same way I can. Good thing too, because today would have been the most miserable day he has ever had if he hadn't revoked that statement. 

Pick your words wisely, fellas.